I have worked myself into a frenzy of lethargy.

This near catatonic state is inevitable for anyone so rash as to investigate high-speed Internet access in the Chicago area.

It all began with a telemarketing call some inner demon urged me to accept. Unlike most such annoyances, this one got my attention, for it was a local ISP (Internet service provider) touting DSL (digital subscriber line), a high-speed Internet service. I interrupted the sales pitch to ask the questions that started my descent into the abyss: "How much does it cost, how fast is it, when can it be installed?"

The caller didn't know, so connected me to a "DSL specialist," who also didn't know, but promised to call back with details. A week later it developed that this ISP didn't know anything beyond the telemarketing script.

High-speed, "always connected" access, or "broadband," is in great demand and has devolved into two categories: cable and DSL. Cable is a known quantity, and I'd sign up if I could. But discussion of it is moot for many of us. Even those cable providers that offer Internet service think "the net" is what sloppy tightrope walkers tumble into.

DSL works over phone lines, and has the advantage of being (theoretically) accessible to everyone who lives within 18000 feet of an Ameritech CO (switching station).

Ameritech "offers" DSL, but it is only for decoration. Try their "SpeedPath" form. You will probably find DSL is unavailable "in your area." (I tried addresses all over Chicago.) Deregulation, however, requires Ameritech to lease facilities to other providers, called CLECs (competitive local exchange carriers), some of whom are actively promoting DSL.

At Internet World I interviewed every vendor whose promotional material mentioned Chicago DSL service. One of the largest, Verio, could not tell me (in person, by phone or on their website) where DSL is available, its cost or speed. They didn't reply to e-mail.

Others were more helpful, but their prices were out of this world ($80-$170 monthly), with speed ranges in the lower end of the spectrum. Only one, Telocity, seemed to have its act together.

Telocity offers (via local ISPs) a free DSL modem, $99 setup fee, self-installation and a reasonable $50 per month fee for speeds up to 1mbps. Not as fast as the theoretical maximum for cable, but DSL is a dedicated service, while cable is shared with your neighbors.

They offered a free test for this column, but later said I was 19000 feet from the CO, so no go. They can't change the laws of physics, so I suggested a test by a colleague who lives closer.

But I never heard from Telocity again. So while it sounds good, I don't know if it works.

Other ISPs told me I was 14530, 15000 and 21000 feet from the CO. How many ways are there to measure phone line distance? You'd be surprised. Either these ISPs are spending fortunes on impossible installs by underestimating, or losing business by overestimating distances.

DSL technology is complex, its requirements confusing. Its providers need to marinate in the market a bit.

In the meantime, seeking a practical, affordable high-speed Internet connection is like asking the fun house mirror to tell you who's the fairest of them all.

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