If alchemists yet struggle vainly to transmute lead into gold, they might profit by the example of MegsInet, an Internet service provider that has mastered the art of transforming simplicity into chaos.

I set out to prove how easy and inexpensive it is to have your own Internet domain name. It didn't work out quite as I'd expected.

All things being equal, I prefer to deal with local vendors. MegsInet, 225 W. Ohio, with whom I've had a dialup Internet account for years, has somewhat sluggish connections and indifferent service, but their rates are low. Their project to provide high-speed access seemed exciting (NNN, Sep. 19). I've stayed with them hoping they would eventually raise their quality to match their growth, and encouraged everyone to try them.

Their website offers cheap web/domain hosting: one megabyte of space plus two "virtual" e-mail addresses, for $4.95/month (and a one-time $30 setup fee). A virtual e-mail address, says MegsInet, is one "that forwards email to another email address."

There are advantages to having one's own domain name. It's easier to type and remember www.maizell.com than https://members.tripod.com/maizell. And jerry@maizell.com has a nice ring to it, no?

(Note: domain name registration fee of $35/year, payable two years in advance, is fixed by government regulation, unrelated to setup and monthly fees charged by service providers.)

I dutifully completed and submitted MegsInet's online registration form, requesting that one virtual e-mail address be forwarded to my existing Megs address, and the other to another ISP. (I maintain accounts with four ISPs.)

But a week later, contrary to their web advertisement, Megs informed me that it was impossible to forward my e-mail as requested, unless I already had an e-mail or dialup account with them. Though their published offer makes no mention of such a requirement, I've long had a Megs account, so I didn't argue the point, and I was told that e-mail would be forwarded as I wished.

But there was more skin on this slippery banana. Another week later Megs surfaced to say that my one account ($9.95/month) was insufficient. I must pay an additional $3.00/month for yet another MegsInet e-mail account, or the 2d virtual e-mail address cannot be forwarded elsewhere.

Now, if I had two accounts with Megs I wouldn't need mail forwarded elsewhere. The point, after all, is to have separate mailboxes, wherever they are.

I could, said Megs, either have all mail forwarded to my existing Megs account, or all forwarded elsewhere, but they could only be split if I had two Megs accounts. Confused? Me too.

One reaches a point where arguing is like Brer Rabbit challenging the tar baby. Instead, I suggested that the (courteous, but unhelpful) customer service person escalate the issue within the company.

I saw three possible solutions: I could pay the extra $3/month, which I am not inclined to do; MegsInet could provide the additional account and, because it conflicts with their published offer, absorb the expense; or cancel the entire transaction and related fees.

A few days later I followed up via voice-mail and e-mail, copying three departments. Now, a month after my original request, they don't call. They don't write. They don't send flowers.

Ignore customers' problems and they'll go away. The customers, that is. Not the problems.

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